hmm...

did i?

personal challenge

tonight im making beef fajitas
im challenging myself to make it look better then it does in this picture...

i better GIT THERE

i wonder... (chapter one)

i wonder why i am the way that i am
i act on unexplained emotions
i am short tempered
very anti - social (unless im drunk)
some people are violent drunks...
im a violent sober and a very nice drunk lol
people dont understand me
i never really cared
its rare that i give that opportunity

i was thinking about the conversation jb and i had
about how she describes me to her friends as a goofy, funny, NICE person
and when we are around them i am quiet and to myself
made me feel kind of bad
i mean if you are close to me, then you know that i am very goofy etc...
but thats a part of me that you have to get to know i guess..

my mind is constantly in motion
thank god.
i mean its a gift but definitely a curse

april 30th
this time last year i was so close to my death
so addicted to pills and alcohol
self destructive
a cutter
extremely suicidal
i remember the very first prescription
the night of the bone concert
i was high and happy
xanax and codeine
met bone that night
they wanted to hang out after
i wanted to go home and pop pills

xanax and codeine
vicodin and percocet

somas and oxy
valum and whatever else

scary...
never thought that i would be addicted to anything
i had surgery the summer before on my shoulder
they gave me percs and vicoden
i took one pill that they gave me when i was leaving the hospital
and sold the rest.

well..
i had been drinking since the 7th grade
everyone called me an alcoholic
i never thought that i was..
its not that i couldnt stop
i never wanted to

i went to the doctor because i coudlnt sleep
i wouldnt sleep
i was scared
i saw my brother die when i was 10
and i re lived that nightmare every night
i mean i have thought about it every day since
and had bad dreams about it occasionally
but i started re living that night every time i'd close my eyes
so i would stay up for days
exhausted
i lived off of red bull and mountain dew
my life became surreal
so i began to get high
off of pills

and when i went to the doctor
she gave me more pills
and i drank more and more
and i was consumed
possessed by my past
i began to hate waking up every day
i became suicidal
i tried killing myself multiple times
i had a chrome semi automatic 380
one night i put three bullets into it
cocked it
put the gun to my temple and pulled the trigger
and the gun jammed
at that moment i wasnt thankful that i lived
i cursed god for not letting me die
tbc....

cant come soon enough

i cant wait to leave.
i haven't been somewhere consistently comfortable enough to really call my home in years.
i have a habit of living out of my suitcases.
now its my comfort zone.
but the reality of it is uncomfortable.
i cant wait to complete the idea of a home jb and i had for our apartment here.
then create a dream and begin to paint our bigger picture in portland.

dear cancer...

Personality Profile - Cancer
June 22 - July 22


Cancer is a Cardinal water sign, ruled by the moon. As the fourth sign of the zodiac, the Cancer individual is a deeply emotional person inside, but is smooth and confident on the outside. Their first love is of home and family and they are nurturing and caring in the family setting, creating a cozy, comfortable, safe existence behind the doors of their own home. Famous and historical characters sharing this sign include Princess Diana (July 1), Nelson Mandela (July 18), and O.J. Simpson (July 9).

Although many Cancer personalities make a real mark on the world, they are emotionally never far from home and hearth. Home and family give the Cancerian strength and stability, and the home is the safe "shell" that the Cancer individual knows he can retreat to after a long, stressful day. Cancer is strongly rooted and often thinks of the past, holding onto mementos and thinking about his childhood. Emotions run deep in the Cancer individual, and even small slights resonate down to his very core. When hurt or disappointed, Cancer will retreat completely into his shell and become unreachable for a period of time. Cancer is generous and kind to others, but will cautiously wait when he confronts a problem to make sure that he doesn't waste valuable resources. In the end, he will come through and help generously if no other option presents itself. Though possessing a good sense of humor and loving a good joke, the Cancer personality will often become sulky, moody, and irritable for no reason apparent to anyone else. This is just a manifestation of those waters that run so deep in the Cancer individual. Cancer weighs every move carefully, almost never doing things spontaneously, and as a result, he is usually successful in his endeavors. When he fails, he will brood about it for a long time, and will almost never just shrug it off and try again.

For those with a cancer child, you have a loving kid with a long memory, who never forgets an emotional event. Cancer children are well-attuned to their surroundings, almost from birth, and can detect any unsettled atmosphere in the home, making it important to keep home life as stable and serene as possible. Anything associated with well-being, such as food and comfortable surroundings are extremely important to the Cancer child, and if they don't like something such as carrots or a certain set of sheets, remove them and don't attempt to present them to the child again any time soon. This child's reasoning for their dislike, however absurd it seems to you, is coming from a deep, emotional place and you are unlikely to change their minds or make matters better by forcing things on them. Cancer kids are deeply attached to their parents, whether the parent is good or bad, and will be affected emotionally for life by the actions of their parents. Once the Cancer child becomes older, he will likely hoard toys, candy, or whatever else appeals to him, often carefully preserving his trophies in their original packaging. A room with a lot of open shelf space would suit a Cancer child well. Going to school at first will be fairly traumatic for a Cancer child, but with a strong, loving home to return to every day, he will get over this in fairly quick order and become a compassionate and caring friend for his school mates.

Adults under the Cancer sign will be dedicated workers, and will do well at keeping their work and home lives separated. If you have a co-worker with an office full of family photos, you can be sure you are working with a Cancer individual. Cancers do best in jobs where they can nurture others. They have the imagination and intuition to feel what others are feeling and therefore make good human resource employees, trainers, or medical personnel. They are usually not ecstatic about change, so a stable job environment is a positive for Cancer. All in all, the Cancer individual will provide you with a strong, diligent, stable worker who empathizes with co-workers and does a good job with his assigned tasks.

If you have found a romantic partner in a Cancer, you have a caring, insightful, and sentimental partner indeed. Although your Cancer will demand complete honesty and fidelity from you, be aware that it is not above him to dally once in a while himself. Rest assured, though, his real roots are with those to whom he has made a commitment. Cancerians are the most nurturing sign in the zodiac, with a deep-seated need to care for others, and as such will make an excellent caretaker of both the home and the children. Some might find the Cancerian's lavish attention a bit smothering, however, and if Cancer does not feel their efforts are appreciated, they will fall into a deep funk that may be quite hard to reverse. Many find Cancer individuals difficult to understand, as their emotions sometimes overrule their more sensible side. In order to have a successful relationship with a Cancer, one must choose to accept mood swings and the occasional need that their Cancer partner has to withdraw completely at times. Your Cancer partner equates money with security, and along with providing a comfortable home, will also likely see to it that there is a comfortable nest egg in reserve too.

The best matches for Cancer for sure are Scorpio and Pisces. but Taurus, Leo, Gemini, and Virgo might work for some individuals. It will likely be tough going for Aries, Libra, Capricorn, or another Cancer.

Cancer in any relationship is nurturing and caring, but with deep mood swings and a sharp tongue when provoked. Cancer seeks out others who are stable and loyal, and who want to focus on home and family. The Cancer individual will be cautious with money and will likely have some cash stashed away for a rainy day. He will also be a collector of something , maybe antiques because of his emotional ties to the past, but possibly something such as coins or model cars or shot glasses. Your Cancer friend will help you if you are in need, but will almost always wait until the last minute to do so, after waiting for you to exhaust all other possibilities. Just remember, the by-words for Cancer are "I feel," so be careful to emit good vibes around your Cancerian friend and you will be richly rewarded!